Transscript of a few months of journalling (not many words, tw: abuse) below.

But it’s kind of sad – the first few pages talk about how much I love my boyfriend who later became abusive and then there’s drawings for a few pages and then it says, with some drawings, “I absolutely adore my life in every way.” As if I was trying to convince myself. 

Then the page after that is overlaid with a red ‘x’ covering the entire page because I drew two ‘furries’ (not in a sexual way even, just people with fox ears, I mean jesus) and I remember that he drew that x. He went through my drawings and crossed them out and just ruined a bunch of them, it’s through a few pages of the journal. 

And THEN, …I barely want to think about this. There’s this place in my journal where I had written “I am ready.” (I should point out that i never showed him my journal, he just repeatedly took it from me.) And he had it boxed in in red. He had been trying to pressure me into sex and I had been trying to refuse, or convince myself to do it, to keep him. 

Next page: “FURRIES! :C all furries must die. yiff in hell.” in red. There are no “furries” on the page, only drawings of cats.

For quite a few pages after that, there are mostly blank pages with just pieces or unfinished drawings on them. I hated to look at drawings that I thought were ‘not good enough’ so I would skip the entire page if I messed up a part of it. The next writing besides some unintelligeable school notes is by me. “120 cuts. I mean come on. That’s emo territory. Suicide :)”. The 120 cuts were in one… session.

Then there are two pages folded over, which signified that I had decided not to return to looking at the previous pages. The next few pages have a few drawings displaying adults having sex, I suppose I was trying to come to terms with everything that had happened to me (relationship abuse, being molested by my (ex) boyfriend, being pushed around (sometimes into traffic), being flicked hard enough to temporarily impair hearing on the ears, pressured into consensual (?) oral sex.)

It’s sad to look back on that time in my life, but I feel like as I write about it and come to terms with the memories I am healing the last few scrapes 🙂