I don’t really get why people tell me to just get over it or whatever when I talk about driving or say that Im just not accustomed to it like… I know that it’s unusual but Ive been driving for a long time, nothing traumatic has ever happened to me while driving, ive never had reason for the anxiety to be reinforced, and it really almost hasnt faded at all… like i still just dont feel like I’m completely in control when I’m driving a car and I like to drive in circumstances where I have more control like during the day and in a familiar vehicle
and I push myself to drive all the time cause i know I need to be able to to be independent but like… being forced to drive isn’t actually going to help with that? or being pressured about driving or told that my reluctance with driving is unusual like I KNOW and being told that is going to make NO difference to how I feel about it… i have no reason to be contrary on this subject like this is seriously just how it is right now
I didn’t used to have tactile problems with wearing clothing, or I never noticed them before, but certain tactile sensory things are starting to bother me more lately, including sometimes the skin-crawling feeling that all the clothes I’m wearing are wrong and bad and I have to change something about them immediately.
I think it has something to do with temperature/humidity, rather than being entirely an increase in sensitivity – I don’t remember this particular feeling before, but for some reason when it gets cold I often feel like I need to bathe before I sleep, partially to wind down from wearing a lot of layers of clothing that feel different and are slightly uncomfortable in different ways…
I don’t know if most autistics know this or make this connection but alexythymia is theoretically consistent with difficulty making decisions
This isn’t important information to know, but I like it when the different ways my brain is unusual stick together coherently, because it makes me feel like less of a statistical anomaly (like most of the weird shit I do and feel connects to each other in some way, so that it wouldn’t surprise me if it all sprung from the same or similar structural changes)
Some scientific evidence shows that decision-making uses the part of the brain that processes emotions. In essence when people have brain injuries in the emotional part of the brain, they become unemotional and also very indecisive, because a big part of making decisions is anticipating how you would feel given different possible outcomes of your decision.
So it makes sense that people who naturally for some reason have a hard time accessing and feeling and interpreting their emotions (alexythymia) would also have a hard time making decisions (maybe especially when the brain is already overloaded; I’m more able to process my emotions when I’m not also dealing with sensory crap)
Decision paralysis isn’t always/often described as an autistic thing in official literature, but it’s common, anecdotally, among autistics; I often feel that I can’t make a decision in places like a crowded cafeteria, even if I know rationally that the decision is fairly arbitrary and I’ll be happy either way (ex. I need a full 5 min to decide whether to eat pasta or a sandwich, because I try to go through all the logical arguments either way, which is like basically impossible)
So these two traits make sense as part of a larger whole
I’m so bad at reacting to out-of-nowhere compliments like it’s just a paradigm that I never learned, im very much a 3-Ts (time-touch-talk) model of relationships kind of person where like… we make plans together, and then spend time, and over time develop intimacy, and then the role of affection is to confirm that the time spent was pleasant and kind of verify the type of relationship we’re in, so if compliments happen out of order my first reaction is like “okay what caused this disruption to occur” rather than “this is pleasant and I am happy that it happened”
I’m also constantly suspicious when people compliment me unexpectedly, because if it’s unexpected, it means I don’t know what the cause was, and the cause probably has SOMETHING to do with me, so it’s a sign that they may have received information about me that I’m not aware they have, which makes me somewhat nervous. like why am I being complimented now and not five minutes ago? what caused this to occur today and not yesterday, what has changed between then and now? clearly there has been a development in our relationship or this interaction that I’m not aware of and that is somewhat unsettling
anyway this probably makes it frustrating to be any sort of demonstrative person AT ALL and be my friend because like… Im on a whole other level of undemonstrative… like i don’t know if I’ve ever given an unexpected compliment in my life cause it’s just not part of my model of interactions…
being autistic is weird because my energy is balanced so differently than neurotypicals, so it seems like I have almost infinite time to do habitual speccing-type things like I have infinite time to write and learn about probability and practice piano right now, but if someone were to be like “go to the grocery store” I’d be like my schedule is booked my friend… I have six hours of speccing scheduled this morning, and six hours for the evening, and I still have to eat and stuff
so like on the one hand people are like “you write NOVELS? during the SCHOOL YEAR? WHILE STILL DOING HOMEWORK? What the hell” and I’m like yeah I just have a huge amount of time but at the same time I don’t have enough time to, say, attend clubs
it’s really just that my priorities and energy are laid out in a really unusual way, and I regard, for example, writing, as a need-to-do thing, whereas socializing parties and grocery shopping are all optional, so I end up able to pour huge amounts of effort into stuff like randomly learning Danish over the summer even while I feel like I’m overwhelmed by my job and have no time for anything
Idk it’s funny, and I think it confuses people cause they see me as having vast tracts of “free time” but to me it’s not free time, it’s 1 hr choir practice, 1 hr mandatory afternoon walk, 1 hr decompression from class, 2 hrs getting to my wordcount for the day…
like I count my introvert things the way other people might count clubs or classes – as mandatory, attendance-style stuff that I HAVE to do every day. It’s not stuff that gets done whenever I’m not doing anything else, it’s an integral part of the routine?
half of this blog is literally just me belief-shaming myself for subconsciously developing these random counterintuitive rules about How My Life Works that have literally nothing to do with how my life actually works and then posting them like “well today I completely irrationally decided that x is true and now I am having to talk myself out of this false belief that I came up with for no reason, “
I do actually have a theoretical rule in place about what of my bank balance is spending money (aka for stuff that’s not food), but because it sounds like a lot to me I’ve arbitrarily changed the mental rule for spending money to be You Have Zero Dollars In Spending Money For Some Reason